02/15

I wish I would die. I mean that so much. Mercy from heaven would be to save me from this hell. My own depression is bottomless.

Yesterday, I found out that the job I was sure to get was already filled. The whole day I hated where I was and I was looking forward to the end of the day, because yesterday was valentine’s day. But he didn’t bring me anything for valentine’s day. So I cried. And I woke up this morning and I cried. And I woke up this morning wishing I had died in my sleep. I am perfectly broken.

02/13/08

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning.

 

Waking up never feels good anymore. Not for a year.

 

I love it when I have nightmares, which happens more and more often now. Waking up panicked and scared makes me happy that it was just a dream. And those are the only times waking up feels great.

 

It’s so beautiful outside. The weather’s perfect. By the weekend there will be a storm, and when the storm clears, I will be back here. Trapped.

 

I used to dream of the day I will be set free, but the dream has become as tattered and faded as my memories of happiness and hope.

 

Tattered and faded, like me. My body is falling apart.

 

I used to cry every morning. Now I just get up and go. Day after day I feel less like a person. More like a thing.

reasons

Ne vous inquiétez pas, tout va s’améliorer. ~Dennis

right now, i don’t see how.

connections

When i lived in Brussels, i’d call my boyfriend after my classes. the sun would be going down and i’d call him and he’d just be waking up. he lived nine time zones away, back home. i’d watch the sun go down and listen to his raspy voice. “is the sun up?” i’d always ask.

yeah. and it amazed me that we were looking up at the same sun. the same sun looking vastly different to the both of us. that profound thought made me feel not so far away. looking at the sun, and knowing he was doing the same, made me feel closer to him. we couldn’t look at each other, but at least we could both look at the same exact thing. i’d tell him, “good morning” i brought you the sun today.

everyday, the sun left me and went to him, and the hopeless romantic in me saw the symbolism that perhaps existed only in my head. The end of my day, the beginning of his. I prayed that the sun would take all my love and wake him up with it. I wished all my love at the sun, hoping that the sunlight might not just bring him warmth but love, joy and everything happy. In those days, I missed him very much.

And that’s how it goes for the first year and a half. I still love him very much, but that passion is gone. The passion that makes me run a mile just to hear his voice on the phone. Passion that makes you lose sleep, and eat less. Passion that changes your wants into what the both of you need as a couple. That goes away. And eventually your individual wants return. If you’re lucky, you end up best friends and find that you both still want the same things and need each other.

evoke

i hope that in the future this blog will amount to something. even if it is to just look back and entertain myself.

i started writing to keep myself sane. to stop myself from one day driving into a tree. at first i never cared if people read these messages to myself. the sadder i get, the more poetic my words become. as you can tell, i’m not too sad today.

but lately, people have been reading and i feel a pressure to entertain. if you’re reading this, i apologize. i can’t promise to write something entertaining. i’m too much of a bore. isuppose you are bored too, cuz you’re still reading this sad person’s confessions.

they say that a butterfly’s flutter in oklahoma can cause a tsunami in japan. or some shit. i can’t remember. if that’s true, it amazes me how so many people are lonely. there are 6.4 billion people in the world, and no one makes a move to reach them. like me. they say small things make a difference. and i believe that’s true. one person left me a comment on this thing, and for the first time, i realized that people are actually reading this. that i’m still connected to the rest of the world. that small action made a difference to me. as much as i like to convince myself that i don’t give a fuck about people reading.

the sad reality is that there’s 6.4 billion people out there. and most people don’t take those small actions that could save a life. not big things. small ones. myspace message a friend randomly. smile at someone. anything to make a single person feel connected. cuz if a fucking butterfly could make a tsunami, how much more can we do.

like that? i’m a chronically depressed idealist.

4 in the morning

Gwen stefani is stuck in my head. congrats to her on her second child

all i wanted was to know i’m safe..don’t want to lose the love i found

remember when you told me you would change..don’t let me down.

it’s not fair, how you are. i can’t be complete, can you give me more?

and all i know is, you got to give me everything.. nothing less cuz, you know i give you all of me

i give you everything that i am, i’m handing over everything that i’ve got. cuz i wanna have a really true love, don’t ever want to have to go and give you up. stay up til 4 in the morning, and the tears are pourin and i want to make it worth the fight. what have we been doing for all this time? baby if you’re gonna do it come on do it right..

beyond belief

i am tired beyond belief. last night i got a little less than 7 hours of sleep, and the night before, i had a stomach ache that kept me up most of the night. i’m debating whether or not to bring alcohol to work and drink all day. the only thing that’s stopping me is that i’m scared people will smell it off me. if anyone knows a way to hide the smell of alcohol, please let me know. you will be contributing to a poor girl’s happiness.

that being said, i’m still trying out to figure out my calling, my purpose. i’ve prayed. i’ve read books. i’ve searched around. i’ve applied and done interviews to no avail. it feels like i have no destiny.

it’d be easy for me to become an alcoholic or a drug addict. i commiserate with my fellow drug addicts, and alcoholics. with suicidal and chronically depressed people. i sympathize with them now more than ever. if i grew up bad, with no one who loved me, i’d be a drug addict, an alcoholic and much more suicidal.

i remember reading the biography of edgar allen poe, and how he was found dead in the street, apparently dying from  depression. literally, it was alcohol and neglect that killed him. i always wondered how someone so talented could be so sad. i’m not nearly as talented as he was, but finally i understand.

J’aime bien parler et m’expresser en francais, meme si ce n’est pas ma langue maternal, et puis, je ne peux pas parler tres bien en francais. j’aime bien ce langue, autant qu’anglais. Je veux avoir des amis francais, simplement pour parler avec eux. Le francais represent ma vie secrete, mes pensees intimes que personne sait. Aucun personne que je connais, sauf une ami, peut comprendre francais. Et encore plus, elle ne peut pas comprendre autant que moi..

i’d rather be sleeping

the tops of the mountainswere covered in snow this morning. i drove through what seemed like all four seasons on the way to work. it was sunny, and then i drove into blindingly heavy rain and back out into the sun again. It’s symbolic of my own life. On my way to my calling, I started off sunny. Right now, I’m blinded by the rain. Someday, I hope I can drive out into the sunlight. Cliche, I know, but at least this post is a change from my typical angry/depressed ones.

I’d rather be asleep. If I could do anything, I’d run out of here, jump into my car and blast the radio all the way home. then iI’d change my clothes and go to sleep. I read tons of articles today about finding your life’s work. Finding your calling. It’s all very inspirational. Right now, I really think it’s just a bunch of bullshit. One thing it said is that your lifes work is what you would be doing even if you didn’t get paid. You know what I would be doing, regardless of pay? Sleeping.

Then, once I got all caught up with sleep. I’d get online and play on myspace and facebook. I’d take all the pictures of me online and save it to my computer and update all my social networks. Then I’d wait for lorenzo to get home and go out to dinner. Get a little drunk, then go home and sleep. And I think I could do that day in and day out. What’s the problem with that??

If I had to work, which apparently I do, I’d like to help people. I’m good at writing. I guess I could find a way to help people through writing. I love listining to international news.

One career asessment asked me what my favorite movies and books were and if there was a common theme. The theme was that I admired smart, strong and good-looking main characters. not the typical heroes though. They’re much more dark, and cynical. Under their hard shell, however, there is a weaker person – an individual in search of truth and justice. Not so much so they can broadcast it to the world, but rather in hopes that in finding the truth, in searching for justice, they might be set free. I want to be smart, and strong, and good looking. Most of all, I want to be set free.

i’m always angry now

i can’t stop being angry. if i’m not angry, i’m easily on my way there. i hate everything. i hate being alive. i can’t remember when there was something to enjoy because it was something good. things to few and far between. so i sit here, at my sick sad therapy session on the weekend. i told myself that i’d only write in this bullshit blog at work, when i’m depressed. now i’m at home and it’s the same way. i wanna hurt people right now. if you could only see how far i’ve come. how low i’ve fallen.

i’m gonna go take a shower. i wish i can hole up somewhere an be alone for awhile. i’m alone now, but i know my family will be back soon. i want to break up with my boyfriend. he’s a nice guy, but i concentrate on the things that bore me. the things that disappoint me. i’m thinking about breaking up with him and hanging out with a new guy. someone i don’t see myself staying with in the long term, but someone to act as a new distraction. he’s not a good guy. but at least he’s something new.

and in

planning my escape

it used to be easy to plan my escape. now, things have become so confusing. i have too many responsibilities and this time, i have too many chains to hold me down. escaping this time is going to require unprecidented skill and stretegy on my part. Everyday at work, I work on a cover letter and resume. And everyday when I get home, I send it out so that I’ll have at least one job application out per day. Then I spend 30 minutes looking at new job openings each day. That’s a pretty good plan right?

My boss is supposed to come back next week and I’m deeply dreading it. It’s been a blast with him gone. And with him back, it’ll be harder to get these job applications filled. I’ll find a way though.

another one of my coworkers is starting to get pissed at my boss. i’m happy about it. finally, i’m not the only one. i think my boss is racist against non-chinese people. he doesn’t talk to us and he only interacts with the other girls in the department that are chinese. whatever.

half an hour before i call lorenzo on the phone.. geez. today is one slow day. expect more blogs